It's been a hard couple of days for me, emotionally, though I can't really say why. Something's just been stealing the wind out of my sails. That being the case, I find myself full of self-doubt. I took my first real test in instrument class this afternoon, and I'm reasonably certain I'm not going to be happy with my grade when I get it back. After several weeks of telling people that instrument class is hard, I'm finally believing it, myself. And thanks to my already being down in the dumps, I can't help wondering if I'm really cut out for aviation. I feel like it's just slowly becoming too big for me, like I've gotten as far as I'm going to be able to and at the end of the semester I'll just be one more loser who gets weeded out of the program by his own ignorance.

On top of that, I just visited my old Livejournal for the sake of catching up on my friends page, and noticed that a friend of mine is pregnant. That isn't necessarily remarkable in and of itself. The thing is, I've "known" (never met her in real life) this girl since she was about 14, and now she's married and expecting her first child. (Not to mention Robyn is pregnant again, despite her being with Levi in Madang PNG.) And here I sit in Buttcrack, AZ, with no job, doubting that I'm even smart enough to successfully keep pursuing my pilot goal and wondering if Jen and me are ever going to actually have any children of our own. I want to. God help me, I want so badly to have a child with my wife. But is it ever going to be the right time? Is it in the Plan? Or is it just one more thing that we'll struggle not to be envious about when we look at the "normal life" people around us?

So yeah. That's about how I'm feeling today.